Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Emotional Disaster.

I lied. This post is not on my favorite baby products (I promise it's coming). Bear with me. This day has been something I've been anticipating. Something I've been looking forward to. I had an IEP/preschool meeting for the boys this morning. Little did I know that I would turn into an emotional wreck though. As I sit here, my eyes are flooded with tears. Okay, maybe that is an understatement. My mascara is running down my face. Let me explain why. I finally have to face the fact that my boys are not your "average" kid. I have to relive the trauma that they faced when they were born 14 weeks too early. The questions of "what will their future look like?" still linger in my head. I'm sad. I still feel like this is something that I could have prevented even though my heart tells me that I did all that I possibly could. I endured "surgery" at both 8/9 weeks and 18 weeks pregnant. I laid on my sofa/hospital bed for a total of 72 (out of 183) days of my pregnancy. I know I did everything I was asked to do but I can't help but question why my body couldn't at least carry them to 28 or 30 weeks. Maybe their outcome would be totally different. But the truth in the matter is that it just couldn't. 26 weeks and 1 day was their destiny.

Back to the IEP meeting. Because of their extensive delays, both boys qualify for 2 days a week of early intervention preschool (also known as special education). Those last two words are unsettling to me. They will also continue to receive occupational, physical and speech therapy during those 2 "school" days. While I know this will be so great for them, I can't help but be selfish in thinking that this sucks at the same time. I just want them to lead a "normal" life.

The teachers, specialists and therapists were so positive today so why am I feeling like such an emotional disaster? I guess this is just the next step on our journey. Most days I can handle what hand we've been dealt but today is one of those down days. I know tomorrow will be different. I know that I will continue to see my children shine & develop and for that I am truly thankful. But sometimes you just need to cry in order to see the sun shine tomorrow.

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